A Story of My Personal Battle. And Victory.

I feel like I'm ready to share a story about a period in my life. It's a period that didn't affect me for very long, but the struggle was definitely hard. This period is the time in which I struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Before I became obsessive compulsive I had heard only little about the issue. Magazine articles told of girls who washed their hand hundreds of times during the day to rid themselves of germs...popular tv shows highlighted the compulsions of detectives...but it never seemed real. Then, when I was about 14, I remember sitting on the couch with the remote when a commercial came on and I started a game of how many times I could touch the buttons on the remote before the show came back on. And it became sort of a frequent game that I played. But then it grew into something worse. I couldn't walk up the stairs without having to turn back around to walk up them again because the first time didn't "feel right". When I rolled my hair at night, I would lay out each bobby pin and let my hand hover over each pin before I could choose the "right one" to put in my hair. Going to sleep at night became such a tiring ordeal as I couldn't allow myself to get into bed without having to shut the light switch off "correctly" or stepping into bed the "right way". Even the simplest task such as taking the pillows off of my bed became a 20 minute chore because I was having to re-do my actions. It was simple, daily actions that became rituals. I was constantly worried that if I didn't perform them, something bad would happen. Even times when I tried to ignore the pull of the rituals, fear and worry would overcome me and the rituals would occur even more frequently. I remember staying up for 2 hours after I was supposed to be in bed because my foot felt "funny" after it touched the floor as I was climbing into bed. I was crying as I performed the ritual of climbing in and out of bed until it felt just "right" and I could go to sleep.

My sister noticed my weird behavior and told my mom and dad. My mom asked me about it and I told her that I thought I had OCD. I really didn't want to make it a big deal so I told her not to worry. Yet, after that, I realized that I couldn't let OCD overtake my life. "What am I doing?" I asked myself. My mom and I prayed together to ask God to relieve me of this disorder. And guess what? He did! It seemed as if it was an immediate transformation, though the overall transition probably took about a few weeks. I wasn't worried about touching the light switches or making sure that things "felt right". I felt free. I no longer had OCD.

Just recently, I began watching a show called the OCD Project that featured and helped those who have the disorder. It brought up memories about my struggle with it. The doctor on the show said that OCD is many times triggered by anxiety and worry. During the time that I suffered from OCD, my mom was working about an hour away from our home and I always worried that something would happen to her while being so far away. She worked in a high-rise office building and after 9/11, I was so afraid of something like that occurring near where she worked. I had no way of dealing with the anxiety so it manifested itself as OCD. I thought that by performing the rituals, I could control my situations and keep my loved ones safe. But it controlled my life in another, horrible way. I was a prisoner in my own mind.

I know now that God controls my life. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity (fear), but of power and love and discipline". And 1 Peter 5:6-7 says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you". OCD is not in control of my life...God is :) So I may have had a messy battle with the disorder, but I am definitely a victor! Blessings!